69 Hues of Deez Nuts 9: Columbo finds out who Cucked Roger Rabbit
by BusterManwomb
Summary: Terminally distraught from catching his new wife in an act of infidelity, Roger Rabbit gets dead. The case is the most stone cold whodunit to ever feature an entire room sprayed with semen. Only LA's greatest glass-eyed gumshoe can bumble his way into the discovery of a lifetime.
1. Chapter 1

About the Author

Known in LARPing circles as either 'Busteroonie the Thrice Aborted of Manwombford' or 'Banned For Life', Buster Manwomb is best known for frequently painting their skin green and loudly demanding WHAT ARE YOU DOIN' IN MAH SWAMP, before being quietly but firmly escorted out of the laser tag arena.

Chapter 1: R2D2 Motorboats Bambi's Mom.

WHOOOOOOOOOOO BE-deepa-BEEP BLEEPA-bleep bleep WHAAooouuoooo…." R2D2 screamed, twisting his head in circles between the thicc deer tiddies of Bambi's mother, who did not die, but had made a deal with Elmer Fudd to fake her death and leave her life behind so she could be with her one true lust, Roger Rabbit.

Lust is a fast-burning fuel though, and dies out faster than the shock value of R2D2 shaking his head between Bambi's Mom's thick deer tiddies (And she is a deer. None of that Bojack Horseman anthro shit).

Not that this was an ongoing thing. Bambi's mom didn't even know R2D2 that well. He was actually the sugar daddy of her Parakeet maid, Bertie. For months, R2D2 had been sneaking into the servant's quarters of Roger Rabbit's mansion to fulfill his insatiable fetishes for home invasions and feathery titty fucks.

But that's all worldbuilding. The truly important thing was that R2D2 was motorboating Bambi's Mom, making her scream like a human man with a diaphragm in his mouth, out of raw erotic joy. He hadn't had his sensors overloaded like this since that time those jawas tasered him.

Sure, Bertie was in on this act of indecent infidelity, polishing R2D2's lengthy chrome penis with her feathery boobies, but if you weren't drawing your attention to the fact that R2D2 looked like he was bobbing for apples between the same milky teats that prevented Bambi from starving to death, then my bro, you is doing something wrong.

"Honey, I'm hom-OH MAH GAWD!" Roger Rabbit screamed, his face recoiling in disgust like he had just read the last five paragraphs.

His home invasion fantasy reaching its fullest realization, R2D2 ejaculated logistically unrealistic volumes of droid semen (oil) into the air and onto himself and the whole room.

The breasts of Bambi's Mom made a cartoonish _pop_ sound as she jumped away, horrified. "Honey! I can explain!"

"Why, Bambi's Mom?" Roger Rabbit said, his face a sad. "Is it because I'm sexually inadequate?"

"Yes!" Bambi's Mom said. "Thank fuck, now I don't have to say it! There are more positions than the cowgirl, your know!"

"I have a bad back and you know it!" Roger Rabbit said. "And with R2D2? How long has this been happening?"

"This was the first time, I swear!"

Bertie, being the help, was a master of being unnoticed by rich people, and had quickly clothed herself and hid behind Bambi's Mom's sex doll shaped like Archduke Ferdinand.

"I can't believe this!" Roger Rabbit mewled, upending his liquor cabinet into his mouth and composing himself. "Bambi's mom, we're over. We are divorced as soon as I call my lawyer."

"Aw Shit." Bambi's mom said, lighting a cigarette.

"And R2D2!" Roger Raggit screamed. "I thought we were bros! The media will lose their shit when the see the pictures I'm taking on my phone right now!"

Bertie was panting behind the sexy Archduke when she heard two gunshots. She screamed, peering out to find all three of them dead.

It was a good fucking thing this was her day off. She fled as sirens blared in the distance.


	2. Chapter 2

About the author:

Buster Manwomb spent nineteen years being absolutely convinced that Santa was a pedophile, and thus lived by their deduction that the Christmas was a whitewashed metaphor for Canadian Residential schools.

Chapter 2: Deer and Lubing in Los Angeles

Columbo sauntered onto the scene, the well -furnished mansion hall was a mess of black motor oil that smelled vaguely of pineapple, and blood, which smelled vaguely of coconut.

"Looks like someone shot up a ford dealership in here." Columbo remarked, lighting a cigar. "What leads do we have?"

"It's a pretty obvious triple-crimacide." The nearest cop said, suffering from clearly not watching many crime dramas besides The Wire. "Pretty open and shut case. Roger Rabbit walked in on his new wife having some sassy nom-noms with this here robut. Roger Rabbit shot them, and their shot right back."

"Why are they dead?" Columbo asked.

"They. Were. _SHOT._" The cop said. "Death tends to be a side effect."

"They're toons." Columbo said. Bullets shouldn't do a damn thing to them.

"Maybe we're going by the logic of the original book?" The cop asked. "I don't fucking know."

"Naw, too obscure. There's something else going on." Columbo was looking around the room. "All the servants were off the clock according to this logbook here. Guess that means no witnesses… Hey wait a minute!"

"What?" A coroner preparing to move the bodies stopped.

"Did they take the evidence yet?"

"The fuck do I look like, an evidence taker?" The cop rolled his eyes. "Imma just supposed to stand here, eat my donut, and be a contrarian towards everything you say!"

"Your mother must be very proud her son is an NPC." Columbo remarked. "Roger rabbit doesn't have any guns on him. Based on the bullet-shaped dent in his phone, I'm guessing the bullet R2D2 shot at Roger Rabbit ricocheted back and struck him in the head, but he doesn't have any gun he could have shot Bambi's Mom with! Where's the murder weapon?"

"Damn it, man, I'm a cop, not a doctor!" Contrarian cop said, eating his donut.

"And a damn fine one, I'm sure." Columbo scoured the room and noticed a card on the floor, beside a sexy statue of Archduke Franz Ferdinard. Picking it up, it read 'greasy Julio's massage, handjob, and pizza parlor: 2, Plot Convenience Street.

"That's just across the street from us!" Columbo said.

"The fuck does that matter?" Contrarian Cop contraried. "Maybe one of them had a massage recently."

"I don't know-WAIT a minute!" Columbo said as he picked up a whiff of something. It was… coconutty. "This smells familiar. Copper man! Smell R2D2's dick!"

"Man fuck you!" Contrarian cop said with the disgust of a normal person watching weebs call Tifa's breasts in the new Final Fantasy trailer 'small'.

"Do it!" Columbo said with the anger and frustration of a weeb who thinks that the Final Fantasy 7 remake will suck because Tifa's new design doesn't make his penis happy.

"Fine!" Contratrian cop said with the acquiescence of a Square Enix artist trying to make E-cups on a kickboxer realistically viable, leaning in ever so slightly towards R2D2's chrome panty pickle, and took the slightest whiff. "It smells like coconut."

"I knew it." Columbo said. "There was somebody else here!"

"How the fuck do you know that?" Contrarian cop doubted.

"Damn it man, you're a cop, not a psychic!" Columbo answered. "I'll leave it to you. I'm going to get a massage."

He flicked his cigar to the ground, accidentally catching it on R2D2's semen and setting the whole scene ablaze.


	3. Chapter 3

About the author:

The only government records acknowledging Buster Manwomb as a living being have them listed as a wolf with mange. They once thought they were trapped in an ICE concentration camp, but it turned out to be a zoo.

Chapter 3: the wreckoning

"Excuse me!" Columbo called out.

An aging secretary wearing Milla Jovovich's outfit from The Fifth Element and smoking through a hole in his neck was sitting behind a desk, visibly masturbating to r/DontPutYourDickInIt. He seemed bothered to look up at Columbo.

"Hello." He wearily said in a comedically raspy voice. "Welcome to Greasy Julio's massage, handjob, and pizza parlor. Buy two and get the third free whether you like it or not. What'll ya have?"

"How much is all three?" Columbo asked.

"Just cheap enough for you to be absolutely sure that none of them will be done properly." The secretary said.

"I'll have that then."

"Third booth. Count to thirty after you hears an oven ding and Bertie will be right with you." The secretary said, returning to his computer screen.

Columbo raised an eyebrow as he walked into the booth. He recognized the name from the logbook at the crime scene.

"Heyllo!" Bertie announced as she stepped into the room, staring at Columbo lying under a towel on the massage table. "Where do ya ache most? Back, stomach, or penis?"

"Let's start with the back." Columbo said.

The massage was reminiscent of when your partner tries to give you a massage. You can tell they're trying, but it's really not that good. Columbo knew his muscles were knottier than an ents asshole, but Bertie didn't seem to hit a single one. Still, something damning crossed Columbo's mind: the oil was coconut scented.

"Ya want the handy next, hon?" Bertie asked, plunging her fists into a stained barrel of coconut-scented coconut oil.

"Actually, how much would it cost to upgrade to a titjob?"

"Tree-fiddy."

Columbo gave Bertie a fiver and turned up. "Have at 'er.

The titjob was even worse than the massage, but the raw tiddy contact was at least enough for Columbo jr to get dutifully enstiffened.

"I have a question for you." Columbo asked. "How are you, a bird, able to give a titjob if birds lack mammary glands?"

Bertie probably would have frowned if beaks were expressive. "Uh, well, 9/11 was a difficult time for every-"

"-And just one more thing… PUT THIS ON!" Columbo screamed as he slammed a fedora onto Bertie's head.

"GASP!" He gasp.

He was getting a handjob from Perry the Platypus! He had disguised himself by wearing feathers and a dress, but the fedora made it all fall apart.

"What? Perry The Platypus, what are you doing giving me a titjob?" Columbo asked. "What are you doing giving ANYBODY a titjob?"

"Oh GOD my student loans are ruining me!" Perry the Platypus wailed. "I Have to pay twelve hundred a month just to keep up with the interest! The government didn't pay me for being an agent, and they barely pay me here! I had to whore myself out to that mobile fucking wastebasket and now he's dead, my maid job got killed in a murder suicide and your pizza's ready!"

Ding

Columbo was eating a surprisingly decent bacon and fresh tomato pizza while Perry the Platypus cried in the corner.

"There there." Columbo said, patting Perry the Platypus' back. "At least there's one good this to come out of this."

"sniff… What?" Perry the Platypus said.

"I figured out how Bambi's mom and Roger Rabbit died." Columbo said, pulling out their medical files from under his towel. "They're both allergic to coconut oil. It was their allergies that killed them."

"Snrrrk." Perry the Platypus blew his nose onto Columbo's towel. "So… So you know I had nothing to do with their deaths?"

"Yeah, but you did steal that oil from this place to help you pump your sugar daddy." Columbo said. "You're going to jail."

One Hour Later

"Congratulations, Lieutenant!" The police commissioner said to Columbo as Perry the Platypus was driven away in a police car. "You solved the murder you destroyed the crime scene of, and sent a veteran from the brink of financial ruin to complete financial ruin. The streets sure are a safer place with you around!"

"All in a day's work, chief." Columbo smiled. "Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go home and see how my husband's play date with Ted Cruz went.

THE END.

If you enjoy Buster Manwomb's unparalleled flavour of honey-glazed literary genius, follow them on twitter at BusterManwomb.


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